Identity Function

I decided to start writing down all the names that i could remember as a sort of identity function, with myself as the arguement.

Funtions are mathematical black boxes, they take zero or more inputs, and then transform these inputs into zero or more outputs. For example, the simple function y = x + 1 takes a single input (x) and gives a single output (y).

In an identity function, the inputs and outputs are equivalent (but not necessarily the same...). For example, y = x + 0 or y = x * 1 both give y = x. So if you feed the function a representation of the number 1, it gives you back a representation of the number 1.

But what if I feed myself into an identity function? A cloning experiment?

Firstly, i consdidered mirrors. A mirror takes in a representation (sculpted out of visable light) of my physical self, and outputs a mirror image. A simple set up of two mirrors allowed me to see myself as the rest of the world sees me.

But this is merely my outer layer. So the next step was MRI scans and x-rays and cat scans. But my illogical fear of hospitals closed that thought.

I was sitting with some friends one day in a cafe, when the idea hit me that we are defined by who we know. If you knew my friends, then you could probably infer a lot about me.
But I am also a product of society at large, not just my own small society.

I was also thinking alot about immortality around this time. I was getting depressed that I would never be able to measure up to my father, a truly great man. Would my name be remebered longer than his? Would either of our names be remembered for any substantial length of time?

So i guess it was two pronged - on one hand i wanted to find out who i am, and on the other i wanted to know the names i remebered, in a futile hope that i could discover a secret to be remembered.

I still have this belief deep in my being that i will exist in this universe as long as my name remains in some neutrons or neurons, in some small corner of our cornerless universe.
So i would spend 20 minutes each day trying to add to my list of names. There were no rules for inclusion except that i had to believe that the name belonged to a person. The first names i added were Napoleon Bonaparte (French empiror), Marc Glanville (football player) and Pete Clark (school mate). It took me several weeks before i remembered to add my own name (and my family's).

I now have about 8 thousand names. I am starting to worry that i am forgetting some of the names i have entered. So when i see a name that looks vague, i mark it with a ? and come back to it later. If i still cannot place the name, i add another ?. When a name gets ????? next to it i remove it.

I usually do this culling when i'm drunk, cause i don't think i can stand the metaphysical notion that i may be killing a soul when i'm sober.

Has it suceeded? Yes. The list is a tangible reminder to me. I have come to accept that being remembered is not necessarily a good thing - Stalin's name will probably be remembered far longer than that of my grand mothers (two of the gentlist persons to ever grace this earth).